Creature Comforts (read fourth)

After making this blog-thing somewhat public, the response I got was overwhelming. The messages I received related to it ranged from kind words, to people who confided that they had been through a similar situation. If you wrote to me and I didn't write back- don't feel bad. I didn't reply to anyone. It's not that I don't want to talk about this, because I do. I just prefer discussing this type of thing in person (it really makes sense that I'm writing a weblog then, huh?). That and I received way more feedback than I anticipated and didn't really know where to start with all of it. Anyway, thanks for reading. Knowing that people give a shit about this subject matter, or just give a shit about me in general, is a pretty great feeling.

I guess it probably looked like things could only improve from the point they were at in my last entry. No way. Things kind of got worse. I really hate writing about this on a day-by-day basis but that's just kind of the way the story unfolded. Here's what happened the next day:

I had class at 9:00am. I checked my standard internet stuff and saw a very unwanted friend request from the blond guy on my myspace page. I avoided telling Tyler right away because I didn't want him to have a visual to go with what I'm sure was already a terrible mental image. That and I was already afraid of him hunting this guy down. Tyler left for home when I left for campus. I was even more sore this day than the day before. My bruises were much uglier too. Luckily almost all of them were covered by clothing. What was really difficult was walking up and down stairs. It felt like I had been nailed by a bowling ball right between the legs. Tyler helped me down the stairs of my apartment, but I knew I would need to take the elevator at school which would be out of character for me, and the last thing I wanted to do was draw attention to myself.

On my way into the building on campus, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was the state trooper who had been assigned to my case. I immediately got very nervous and ducked into the nearest empty room. He told me that he had received my case and had read over my report. He asked a lot of questions that I answered the best I could. He asked for details that I obviously wouldn't remember. I explained to him that I had to go to class and he told me that he was going to go investigate. I was instructed to keep my phone on because he had planned to call back shortly. I agreed, hung up and headed toward the elevator.

On my way there I bumped into my friend Tea. Tea and I are very close and in the same graduate program. I had already thought to myself, "If I'm going to tell anyone at school about this, it's Tea." I knew I had to talk to someone so that I would have support if I freaked out later in class. Tea told me that I looked out of it and asked what was up. I asked her if she minded if I vented to her about something really horrible. So on our 3 flight elevator ride, I spilled my guts as quickly as possible. She gave me lots of hugs and insisted on helping me carry my stuff (which was unnecessary but really nice of her).

I couldn't pay attention at all in class. This was made worse by a text from the blond guy. It read "are you still alive? i haven't heard back from you in a while." My heart raced and I excused myself from class. As I was sitting in the hallway frantically calling Tyler (who wasn't answering because he was still driving), the trooper called back. He asked me what the voicemails from the guy who fucked me n the bathroom said. I explained that he kept yelling that I better call him back or else. Then he threatened to find my boyfriend and tell him "what kind of girl I was." Then he yelled that I needed to call him back again. Nice and threatening. The trooper asked me to forward him the voicemails, which I did after we hung up. He then asked if I had been contacted by either of these guys since. I explained that the blond guy had asked me to be his friend and had texted me. The trooper then devised a plan that seemed a little odd at the time and in hindsight seems totally inappropriate.

The trooper asked me if I had replied to the blond guy at all. I said no. He then asked if the guy still had my bra. I said yes. He told me to text the blond guy back and to be very nice to him. He asked me to seem interested in him, enough so that I could arrange a meeting with him in the near future. The point of this was so that the trooper could meet up with him if all of his other investigative efforts failed. I expressed that I was a little uncomfortable doing this, and he hinted at the fact that if I wanted to find out what happened, then I would need to be cooperative. He was very nice about all of this, and really made me feel like I was a priority. I agreed and thanked him for all of his help. I then texted the blonde guy and told him that I was not dead. He invited me to an art exhibit at a local restaurant. I explained that I was out of town for the week and he said maybe this weekend. I couldn't bear to write more, and felt that that was sufficient.

I was visibly shaken and couldn't go back to class. I sat in the hall and waited for everyone to move out of the room. Tea brought my things out to me and and did everything that she could to ensure that I would be alright. I thanked her again for all that she had helped me with. I then headed upstairs to try and talk to the chair of our department. She was a former teacher of mine, a counselor, and someone that I consider an extremely unbiased and supportive friend. I explained to her what had happened and she did more for me than I ever could have imagined. She contacted all of my teachers and told them that I may need to be in and out of class for the next 2 weeks. She also set me up with a counseling agency locally (one that is actually owned by another teacher in our program), and she gave up her entire afternoon to help me. I am so grateful to have had her help. If I were the type of person to use the word "blessed" then I would probably use that to describe how I felt.

After leaving her office I drove to my friend Rick's house. Rick is by far my best friend in the the town where I go to school, and one of the greatest people I have ever met. I was dreading telling her about what happened because I knew it would hit her really hard. But I just needed her to know and I just need here there. So we sat on her bed and I went through all of the nitty gritty details. Rick cried harder that I ever imagined she would. I couldn't cry, but still felt just as upset. She hugged me and we sat there on her bed for a really long time. This made things feel more real. It didn't feel good, but it felt better. Sad was better than anxious, and it felt good to feel sad with someone else. I don't say it enough, but I have some really amazing friends.